Dance was a delight of my childhood. I went to Theaterama ballet school, in the basement of one of our beautiful old Adelaide buildings. After school one day a week I would catch the bus to ballet, returning Saturday mornings for further classes. I studied classical ballet (Chechetti method for the ballet enthusiasts!) modern dance, plus an exam class and later pointe.
Dance focuses you on the micro-management of each muscle to stretch the body’s capacity to do, communicate and entertain. It burrowed into my soul and made it lighter as an escape from an often challenging home life. I could immerse myself in a world of creativity and potential which has helped to shape the person I am today.
I was never slim and there is nowhere to hide any chubbiness standing in 
front of very large mirrors while wearing a leotard (even if it was a beautiful fuschia pink with matching wrap!). There were two boys in my class and they made sure I was left with no doubt about my body shape by giving me the nickname of “Beachball”. Given the petite slimness of the other girls in the class my chubbiness and the nickname they had bestowed made me feel like one of the hippopotami in pink tutus in Fantasia!
Around the same time, in year 6, I moved to a new all-girls school. This time my nickname was “Fatchops”, I guess because of my round face. I was reassured it was a term of endearment and we were all bemused when teachers would tell my friends off if they heard them using the name. I remember saying I was OK with the name. I realise now that I developed a self deprecating way of relating to people because if it was me Acknowledging my flaws, it somehow didn’t hurt as much.
The impact of these nicknames and their reinforcement that this was the way others saw me came to the fore at Uni when I was studying nursing. It only took a few comments from the medical students to trigger a decision to calorie restrict by eating very little, drinking black coffee and smoking to decrease my appetite. I lost weight and enjoyed the sense of power and control unleashed. This was against a background of the disintegration of my home life, over which I had little control. The sense of power from the action on my weight was intoxicating.
Who knows where that could have lead if it wasn’t for my next clinical placement which took me to an acute psychiatry unit specialising in the treatment of eating disorders. I was struck by the realisation that I was heading down the path of disordered eating myself and have always been grateful for the insights gained from seeing others in the grip of anorexia.
Even though I had the insight to identify risky food behaviours putting me at risk of anorexia, I wasn’t so good at identifying and changing patterns of comfort eating. This was fuelled by many things including my nicknames. As I face my risk of developing health issues from the weight I have continued to gain over the years, it is important that I consider how I have got to this point in time if I am to then change the patterns of a life time.
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A very honest account… keep inspiring xx
Such a great post Jayne. I know exactly what you mean about the ballet training contributing to a less than healthy psychology around eating. I began training seriously in my teens with the aim of wanting to be a professional dancer, and even though I was a fairly slim kid, I wasn’t ballet slim, and I was always wanting to lose weight. We used to get weighed regularly, and I was definitely not light enough. I remember at one stage trying to subsist on nothing but apples. I still struggle with accepting my body shape and not being on a cycle of discipline eating followed by entirely undisciplined eating! As I’m trying to get more people involved in dance, and a lot of this involves social media, I’m very conscious that my body is not going to inspire people to get ‘a ballet bod’. But I know that my body is much healthier than it would be without dancing, and I have an extraordinary high muscle mass, even if it is covered by a layer of fat. I also get a lot of people emailing us asking about doing dance classes and worrying that they’ll be ‘too large’ to join in. That’s the great thing about dance classes for adults – you don’t need to be ballet thin. You just need to give it a go. And I LOVE having you in my classes. You are such a ray of sunshine. You epitomise everything Move Through Life is about. Thanks for sharing your perspective on dance and beach balls and disordered eating.